Saturday, December 10, 2005

Hero Of The Faith RC Sproul Jr

Hero of the faith RC Sproul Jr

Heroes Of The Faith Pillows on sale at St. Peter Presbyterian Church

A major annual event for St. Peter Presbyterian Church is Reformation Sunday Celebration. RC Sproul Jr hosts the event at the Community Center in the tiny village of Mendota Virginia (pop. 468). RC also makes his home in Mendota. The women-folk bring their hand-made crafts and baked goods and offer them up for sale. There's music and dancing. The air is choked with the smoke of cigars and pipe tobacco. There are big kegs of beer. The men are encouraged to bring their whiskey bottles and pass them around. The more discrete pass around hip flasks. A never-ending supply of beer, wine, and whiskey flows in copious quantities. Everyone is encouraged to partake -- and we do mean everyone. As the afternoon progresses into evening the revelers become increasingly more festive, including the children as they return time and again to the punch bowl (spiked heavily with Everclear).

Behind the community center is a large field. It doubles as the St. Peter Presbyterian Church shooting range. The men are encouraged to bring their guns and stockpiles of ammunition for the afternoon shooting event. The combination of guns and booze only seem too consistent for this frenetic setting. The men set up effigies and targets with pictures of disfavored political figures and former presidents. Annual favorites include Bill and Hillary Clinton and George Bush Jr and Sr. After the effigies and picture targets are sufficiently shot to pieces whatever remains is set on fire. This never fails to elicit a thunderous shout of rejoicing.

Visitors and guests, some whom have come from many miles away, often express astonishment and dismay at the spectacle of such goings on. But RC Jr actively encourages the prodigious consumption of booze and tobacco in the name of "Christian liberty." To any who object to RC Sproul Jr's church keggers he simply retorts, "We're Presbyterians, so we smoke and drink." Baptists need not apply.

What does any of it have to do with October 31, 1517, Martin Luther, Wittenberg and the 95 Theses, or perhaps even John Calvin for that matter? No member of St. Peter Presbyterian Church is able to explain that. They just know that in RC Sproul Jr's mind Reformation Sunday is largely about alcohol, tobacco and firearms. But then pretty much any church function is a good excuse for RC Jr to get liquored up.

Membership does have its privileges in more ways than just being able to get liquored up, and terrifying your neighbors by firing off thousands of rounds in a drunken stupor at church functions. If you become a member of St. Peter Presbyterian Church you qualify to purchase your very own hand-crafted set of "Heroes Of The Faith" pillows. Such is the cult-like devotion many members of St. Peter Presbyterian Church have for RC Sproul Jr that he has his very own "Hero of the Faith" pillow crafted in his honor. Also available are RC Sproul Jr Hero Of The Faith comforters, pillow cases, wall hangings, table cloths and place mats.

We recommend that you display your pillows prominently, just as you see them displayed in the picture above, with hero of the Reformed Faith RC Sproul, Jr. positioned front and center of lesser Reformed lights, John Calvin and Martin Luther.

With your Heroes Of The Faith pillows on display in your home, R.C. Sproul, Jr. will be really impressed with your devotion to him when he comes to visit. Several St. Peter families have pillow shrines in their homes and have received much comfort and inspiration by spending quiet times of reflection with their pillows.

RC Sproul Jr. will be doubly impressed if you also keep your frig well stocked with good hearty beer for when he comes a callin'. As RC is fond of saying, "In most churches when they say, 'Hide the beer, the pastor's here,' they mean it one way. But here at St. Peter we mean it just the opposite way."

Not to worry about running out though. Just keep a spare bottle of Scotch on hand for backup in case pastor RC drinks all your beer.


Ernie Bonner said...

From everything we've heard from friends who've been to Saint Peter and witnessed all the boozing we know your story about Reformation Day celebrations must be true. But heros of the faith pillows? Come on! This is some kind of satire, right? There's no way that R.C. Jr. would let someone make and sell pillows in his honor. In spite of his personal issues we always thought he was a lot more humble than that. And why is R.C. given the title "Dr." on his pillow but Calvin and Luther aren't?

RC 2.0 said...

Ernie, the only part of this story that's satire is about the "pillow shrines." Everything else is entirely accurate. Good catch, btw, on seeing that only RC Sproul Jr was given the title "Dr." Why did it happen? For the same reason he is positioned front and center of Calvin and Luther. It's for good reason that so many people have accused St. Peter Presbyterian Church of being a cult and RC Sproul Jr of being a cult leader.

One can only assume your impressions of RC Jr's alleged humility come from your assessment of his writings, not from personal experience with the man himself. In point of fact RC Sproul Jr is a very arrogant man.

RC was entirely fine about the young lady making and selling her "heroes of the faith" pillows, especially the one with him on it. In fact her table was directly across from RC's table, so it's impossible that he could have missed it. Aside from pillows she also had other "heroes of the faith" items, including wall hangings and table cloths. RC saw it all and rather than grimacing he was proud as a peacock about it.