Monday, January 02, 2006

RC Sproul Jr Announces Beer Church

News Release: RC Sproul Jr. Announces "Beer Church"


RC Sproul Jr recently announced that he's stepping down as pastor of the Mendota parish of St. Peter Presbyterian Church to pursue full-time his fund raising efforts for the Highlands Study Center. The heat has just gotten way too intense in the kitchen, so it's time for RC to move on. But that doesn't mean that just by stepping down his problems are all over. Because of the likelihood that RC Sproul Jr could get the boot from the RPCGA, and because he really needs to have the Highlands Study Center under some kind of a church (to at least try and give the appearance that it's not just a sham), RC's announced plans to start a new church.

RC Sproul Jr has aptly named his new church "Beer Church," and he makes no pretenses about his goals. He's also announced that he's not going to be part of any other denomination that would have the unmitigated gall to want to hold him accountable to some annoying standards that are just a nuisance to a freewheeling Scotsman like RC Sproul Jr. RC wants a church where there's never a "last call" on the booze, and no pesky Presbytery telling him what to do.
RC's motto used to be "We're Presbyterians so we smoke and we drink." But now he's all done with being a Presbyterian, and since he gave up smoking and chewing tobacco, now the motto will simply be, "Beer Church, we drink!"

"I'm really fed up with all those whiny pantywaists who come and visit St. Peter and they get all offended just because we like to have parties and get liquored up. Keggers and whiskey binges have been a big part of my life ever since I was just a little kid growing up in Ligonier, Pennsylvania. Do people really expect that just because I'm an ordained pastor I should have to give up throwing keggers? That's stupid. Besides which, if I had to cut back on the drinking I think it'd cause me to stumble."

"I'll admit that in the past I wasn't real up front with people who came to visit St. Peter church about what I was all about. 'Saint Peter Presbyterian Church' after all doesn't especially sound real disclosing about the fact that we're partyers. We thought about changing the name to 'Saint Peter Let's Get Liquored Up Presbyterian Church,' but that's just way too long. But 'Beer Church' is short and sweet, and now no one will have any excuses to not know what we're all about."

"Our plan is within a year or so to start a second parish. Next to beer I really like whiskey, so I think our second church we'll call 'Whiskey Church.' Our third parish is kind of a toss up between 'Tequila Church' or 'Margarita Church.' I do like tequila, but not nearly as much as Scotch whiskey. If I'm gonna toss back a few shots I'd rather be downing a good Scotch whiskey than tequila. We're really into diversity here, so it'll be really nice giving people a choice of their favorite liquor, umm, I mean church."

RC Sproul Jr will need to be raising money fast for his new church, so he's offering ordinations in Beer Church. If you've ever wanted to be an ordained minister, here's your big chance. For a limited time RC will personally ordain you for a mere $1,000.00, and you'll get this certificate of ordination, suitable for framing. Now you too can become a certified "Rev. Right Honorable Partymaster, etc. etc."


And for a limited time only, along with your ordination certificate you'll also receive your very own church sign. Act quickly. This is a limited-time offer, and RC doesn't hand these things out to just anyone.
And for a limited time RC Sproul Jr is now offering a terrific promotional item. With the purchase of every Beer Church ordination you'll receive your very own "Beer Is Drunk" pool toy, with this imprinted inebriated, er, inspirational message from RC Sproul Jr himself:
Summer is just beer!
Beer is drunk and
it is feeling invigorating!


Family ordinations are also available so that you can take advantage of the opportunity to get every member of your family a "Beer Is Drunk" pool toy.
Act quickly! Supplies are limited. RC Jr wants to see every member of your family "feeling invigorating."

The Basement Tapes will now be referred to as "Boozement Tapes." Expect to see the first set of Boozement Tapes out within the next few weeks.

UPDATE: On January 26, 2006 RC Sproul Jr was defrocked from the ministry. If you'd still like an ordination in RC Sproul Jr's Beer Church, don't let that dissuade you though. Your ordination will still be every bit as valid as it is for RC to continue serving as the pastor of St. Peter Presbyterian Church, and just as valid as it is for him to continue calling himself by the title "Rev."

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